To Free the Truth

I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. –Elie Wiesel

Older convicts taught me a lot about life in prison and how to not only survive but thrive here. Of course I helped myself by always asking questions. Lots of guys seem to be reluctant to ask for advice, but that was never me. In fact, I used to drive the older guys mad with my incessant questions, but it was necessary and I would advise anyone coming in to do the same.

One of the things I was taught is to ‘let the free world go.’ If you’re always thinking about your life in the free, your days and nights in here get longer and harder. Most believe that if you just forget about it and try to build a life in here, you’ll be okay. My old friend Marty once told me to stop ‘doing time.’ He said I’m a lifer and the only way I’d survive without losing my mind would be to learn to ‘live’ in here, not ‘do time.’ In other words, I should accept this as my new life and forget about being free. Thinking about my life as a free person would only make me depressed and would eventually cause me to kill myself or lose my mind.

‘Let the free world go’ is a common axiom in here that can be interpreted a couple different ways. The way I took it initially was to completely forget about ever getting out of here. I wrote a lot about that early on here. The free world meant nothing to me. Prison was my world and I tried to dominate my environment. In many ways, I did just that. But, I got so caught up in it that I lost all hope of ever being free again. Letting go the way I did helped me for awhile, but it eventually broke me down.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Tim Robbins’ character said, “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”. To lose hope in here is the worst thing you could do. I guess the best way to interpret letting the free world go would be to not dwell on it; don’t worry about what you don’t have, yet don’t completely forget either…and always keep hope that you’ll find yourself a free man again. There is always hope.

It’s all still relatively new to me–hoping for a life outside these walls. Lots of nights I find myself lying in bed waiting to fall asleep and daring to dream about emerging from prison , living the life I’d love to live. These hopes and dreams no longer cripple me or inhibit my ability to survive in here; they fuel my fire to succeed. I firmly believe that I must have the courage to hope for something better than this, to believe in my freedom in order to realize it. It’s still a bit painful to think about the life I don’t have, the one I hope for, but I use it as an inspiration to fight.

I’ve read and heard accounts of guys who were exonerated and one thing they invariably say is they never lost hope. Even though I can’t say I never lost it, I’ve regained belief in seeing life outside these four walls with ferocity. Somehow I think believing is a big part of the key. My whole attitude must be shaped with the idea that I will regain freedom if I fight hard enough. I owe this renewed hope and belief to Jenniy. She showed me that there’s a better way. She inspired me to get off my butt and fight for my life (she wouldn’t have it any other way, trust me). I don’t think it’s possible, I believe it will be.

The thing is, I need help. I can’t do this alone. Yes, I have Jenniy helping me fight, as well as my awesome friends Tony and Candice. But, we need more people screaming from the tops of mountains. If you’re reading this, you are, at least, interested in my story, maybe you even care. Maybe you think, “what can I do? I’m just one person?” There’s a lot that can be done to help me prove my innocence, just ask. Mainly, I just need people believing in my fight. If you believe, as we do, then you’ll reach out and try to help. And right now I feel the most important thing is to get people in my corner to help earn the attention of the public and let them know I was wrongly convicted. Somehow, I feel it’s important to get the media involved. The public should know. So, you might help by contacting the media, directing people to the website, and expressing how you feel about my case. I also need help advertising the site. My hope is that my story will draw national attention and some well qualified law firm will take my case pro bono because ultimately I must prove to the courts that I’m innocent.

Sometimes I find myself starting to slip back into my old ways of thinking… This site doesn’t get much attention, our letters to attorneys, politicians, and organizations haven’t gotten too much response at all, and there’s still no word from the federal court on my appeal. It’d be easy to throw in the towel and just let the state kill me, but I refuse to give up hope again. Instead, I’m imploring everyone reading this to please help. The more people I have on my side, the better chance I have at surviving. Without any support, it’s just that much harder.

Some people don’t have the time to get proactive yet can spare a few dollars to help with postage costs while others don’t have money yet have plenty of time to help contact media outlets, law firms, politicians etc. Some of you may just have ideas. It all works. Honestly, just knowing that I have people who believe in me enough to even offer a kind word is enough to add fuel to the renewed hope I have burning in my soul.

i'll be on the outside of the fence one of these days...